Dear Friends,
Are you finding it hard to stay sane amid the torrent of headline-grabbing chaos? Feeling so exhausted that apathy seems tempting? Make no mistake: what looks like incompetence is often deliberate. The goal is to leave us overwhelmed, depleted, and ready to surrender.
I recently read a HuffPost article that suggested a simple counter-move: name the tactic you see in real time. Consider how these five maneuvers cycle through the news:
Deny or Minimize – “I didn’t see it; it never happened.” “Locker-room talk.”
Attack – “Because Hillary… because Obama… because Biden… because judges.”
Play the Victim – “No president has ever been treated so unfairly.”
Be the Hero – “I alone can fix it.”
Create Crisis – “A caravan of rapists is marching toward us.”
Then the loop begins again.
Last night I dined with close friends, including a formidable activist visiting from Africa. She described how their communities with no electricity, scarce food, and little shelter still mobilize to care for one another.
They have never known the privilege we routinely enjoy, yet they choose solidarity over despair. By contrast, many in the United States are caught in the deer-in-headlights syndrome or bury their heads in the sand. Yes, countless citizens are committed to ending our slide toward authoritarianism, but many more are simply drained by the relentless narcissistic spectacle.
In Bob Newhart’s words, “STOP IT!”
Even young Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz pulled back the curtain on a fraud. Surely a nation that once defined itself by its fight against fascism can do the same, especially when at least half its people still believe in democracy.
From a trauma psychologist’s perspective, Jocelyn Sze, PhD, offers some suggestions as to what can a nation do once the curtain is pulled back:
Stop enabling
Reactive efforts to clean up the damage often backfire, shielding narcissists from accountability and allowing them to retain influence. On a political level, this means pausing to strategize before rushing in to fix the narcissist’s mess. Strategic restraint (like that practiced by House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries), who has been criticized for not “swinging at every pitch”, is not weakness. It’s discipline.
One technique to consider is called “gray rocking”: refusing to feed the narcissist’s need for drama, attention or emotional reactivity. (I think we need to talk to mainstream media about that one!) Gray rocking means becoming sturdy and repetitive, not reactive or maximalist but a boring target for someone addicted to power. Reacting with hyperbole or hysteria only emboldens narcissists. Deny them the fuel they seek. This is hard work. (I have been guilty of throwing gas on the fire from time to time.) But it’s how an abuser loses power.
Set boundaries
In therapy, that might mean saying no repeatedly, like a broken record, and building the support system to stay safe. On a national scale, it means working together to reestablish constitutional guardrails such as due process, checks and balances, and freedom of speech.
Build resilience
Narcissistic abuse feeds on the distress it creates. To interrupt the cycle, we need practices that restore regulation and reinforce community power. Collective care and self-care are not luxuries. They are revolutionary acts in times of oppression. Rest is not retreat; it’s how we recover the clarity and cohesion needed to mobilize and rebuild. Join hands. There is strength and power in numbers and safety in solidarity.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
Above all, keep faith in the long game. Narcissistic control thrives on urgency and alarm. Deep change, by contrast, comes from staying calm, clear, and connected. Let’s not mimic harmful tactics; we must name them, grieve the damage, stop enabling, and break out of reactivity. Through firm boundaries, civic mobilization, and long-haul strategy we can revive the democratic spirit.
Healing begins the moment we stop reacting…and remember who we are!
With steadfast hope and solidarity,
Donna
“To be hopeful means to be uncertain about the future, to be tender toward possibilities, to be dedicated to change all the way down to the bottom of your heart.”
Dinner conversation topic:
Recharge Rituals
Starter prompt: “When life feels chaotic, what simple habit or ritual instantly helps you reset…reading a favorite poem, walking the dog, a five-minute meditation?”